One of the best movies I’ve seen this year has been the retelling of A Star is Born. I not only liked the story line but I really liked the music. One of the songs that really moved me was Maybe It’s Time. It’s not only a good sounding song, but the lyrics hit me right where I’m living right now especially when it comes to my spiritual beliefs.
My spiritual journey has been a complex one largely due to my willingness to hear other people’s views even if they stand opposed to my own. Perhaps, especially when they differ from my own. Most people are completely unwilling to do this for good reason:, it just leads to a whole lot of confusion and eventually change.
I was very young alcoholic and drug addict. I was only 22 when I walked away from that lifestyle because I believed it was killing me. It wasn’t easy, but I did it. Hell, it’s still not easy. Sobriety started my spiritual journey. I became engrossed in the Bible and eventually went to college and on to become a preacher.
I was very passionate about what I believed and I studied long and hard to know the Bible backwards and forwards. Honestly, there has always been things in the Bible that have bothered me and really didn’t make a lick of sense. But I did my best to try and make sense of it and convince others to do the same. I’m convince that this is what most Christians try to do too, but they don’t like to rethink things. We like certain parts of the Bible because they are helpful. The things that we don’t understand we just just kind of whitewash over them and move on.
I really liked the thought of a personal God who loved me for who I am, was willing to forgive my shortcomings, and wanted to help me to succeed. God was not just God, he was my God (a phrase I hear a lot these days). My God liked what I liked, hated what I hated, he understood my weaknesses and struggles, had big plans for my success, and would help me through the valleys of life with his strength and wisdom.
When I was first exposed to textural criticism and the concept of looking at Jesus from a historical perspective, I did my best to try and refute what certain authors were trying to say, but I really couldn’t–not convincingly. The more I studied the more I learned how little I actually knew. Doubts and uncertainties began to take over.
I think we all have doubts, but few can admit them. After all, if you have doubt, can you still have faith? Or are you double minded and unstable as the Epistle of James talks about?
Today, the main thing I am certain about is that God did not give us certainty. To those who think he did I only need to ask: Why all the confusion? Why all the disagreements? Why all the religions? There are not two people who can agree on everything spiritually. Some will reason that we can agree on what matters. Possibly, but can you agree on what matters? It’s a vicious circle with emphasis on the vicious. The more certain people are the more dogmatic and intolerant. Personally I find intolerance intolerable.
So I must face the fact that I no longer hold some of the beliefs I used to hold. Sometimes I wish I could, but I am incapable. So the lyrics hit me:
Maybe it’s time to let the old ways die.
Maybe it’s time to let the old ways die.
It takes a lot to change a man,
Hell, it takes a lot to try.
Maybe it’s time to let the old ways die”
The church has a been a large and indispensable part of my life for over 30 years, but it has largely been stripped from my life. Quite often my work takes me away since I have to travel so much to make a living. But even more disturbing: I get the feeling I no longer belong. I can go to church, but I’m an outsider. People may greet me, but they don’t know me, and even if they did would they accept me?
Out of all my years of religious studies I must stand on two core beliefs that I heard once in a movie: 1. There is a God. 2. I am not him. When I look at the world I live in I see design. But when I look much deeper I see meanness, intolerance, and cruelty. Yet, somewhere in the midst of the most vile cruelty I can usually find kindness, forgiveness, and compassion. What part comes from God? I choose to think the later.
Likewise, when I read the Bible I read of a God who desires to wipe out men, women, and children of entire races in order to give their land to those he has chosen. Yet, even his own people are incapable of living up to his demands and expectations leading to their own demise. God may give us a freedom of choice, but if we make they wrong choice he will destroy us, right? But somewhere in the midst of judgement is forgiveness and hope. Again I have to wonder in the midst of this array of contradictions what is coming from man and what is coming from God and what did man make up?
When I was a child they tried to fool me
Said the worldly man is lost and Hell was real
But I’ve seen Hell in Reno
And this world’s one big ole Catherine Wheel
Spinning still.
I have no desire whatsoever to worship a God of cruelty. I find it unfathomable that the creator of the universe would punish with everlasting torment those who for one reason or another did not comprehend and live up to his will as depicted in ambiguous writings compiled together hundreds of years ago. Today I’m convinced like the lyricist:
Nobody knows what waits for the dead
Nobody knows what waits for the dead
Some folks just believe in the things they’ve heard and the things they’ve read
Nobody know what waits for the dead.
I don’t know what to call myself these days. Am I an agnostic? Am I deist? I don’t know. But I am honest about not knowing. Yet even if I don’t know, I can still seek to know. The Bible contains a great deal of principles that I can believe in. I believe that I should treat others as I wish to be treated even if I don’t agree. I can believe that what is most important is to love God and to love others as we love ourselves. I may not always live up to my own standards, but I still hold them to be true. Maybe that’s all any of us can do.